Dear Pien, big sister of Guus,
For almost three years you have been alone with your daddy and me. It was good to be with the three of us, but we all thought it would be great to have a little brother or sister for you. I started to grow a big belly and every now and then you would go with me to the midwife to listen to the little heart of your brother or sister. You really wanted a little sister; you made clear that a brother was definitely not what you hoped for. So the moment we told you that you were about to have a little brother, you got really angry. So angry, that you told us you would go and live with Lynn (a friend), because you would then have a sister at last!
The next morning you and granny
immediately came to visit us. You were so proud of your beautiful little
brother! You already could have him on your lap and how proud you looked and
how sweet you were to him. Guus and I stayed in the hospital for another night,
and daddy came home with you and granny. The next day you all came to pick me
up. It felt good to go home with the four of us and with granny. The maternity
care lady, Corrie, was there too and she also enjoyed playing and singing with
you.
The next day, however, Corrie did worry a little about Guus. He did not drink enough, he was not able to keep himself sufficiently warm and he looked pale. That night I also worried and I decided to call the midwife. She thought that Guus was not a very lively baby and advised us to go back to the hospital. Neighbour Wim came to look after you, although you were fast asleep and didn’t notice his presence at all.
The fist days in the hospital in
Zutphen it seemed that Guus had an infection and we hoped he would be able to
go home with us within a coupe of days. Because I had just been in labor and
was still breastfeeding, I stayed with him in the hospital. You stayed home
with daddy and you came every day to check up on your little brother and me.
But Guus didn’t get better at all. They continued to do all sorts of examinations
on him in order to find out why he was eating badly and why he also needed
oxygen. He was on the monitor and had many tubes in his little hand, foot and
nose. That was to give him his medicines and to feed him. Sometimes he even had
a little facemask to help him breathing. How sad he looked! And like this it
wasn’t possible to cuddle him or to feed him with the bottle.
When we arrived a doctor had
already examined him. Apparently he did not have the very acute rotated intestine,
but had to be operated the next day. He was on the neonatology department, High
Care. In this department were a lot of baby’s that had been born too early.
Some of them weighed even less than a kilo. Therefore, the doctors sometimes
called Guus superman because he was so big. This was a relatively calm period
for us and I was happy to have the opportunity to spend some time with you.
Because we stayed with your granny in Cuijk, it was easy for us to drive to
Guus in the hospital and back.
This was also the time that
Sinterklaas was in the country and of course he didn’t forget you. Especially
with a brother that was so ill, Sint thought you deserved some extra presents,
I think. How indulged you were during this period. And the Sint had also
thought of Guus; he now had many teddies and hearts hanging at his bedside.
After a week Guus was allowed off
the ECMO. The doctors thought he had had an infection and that he now had to
gain strength on the children IC. Sadly, he had to have another operation on
his intestines. There was a small film in his intestine that made it that he
was still not able to drink by himself and therefore he was still fed by an
infusion. This operation was very tense as the doctors were not sure whether
Guus his lungs would still be working after the operation. In this time they
also discovered that your brave little brother had a big problem with his lungs
(Pulmonal Hypertensia). He was on medication that helped him in the beginning,
but later the medicines didn’t help him enough anymore.
In the same week your sweet
grandpa Albert died of a cerebral haemorrhage. We buried him a couple of days
later, together with your grannies and uncles and aunties. What a difficult
time this was, especially for daddy. It was really hard for him to be so far
from his family, but of course he also wanted to be with Guus in the hospital.
The first days after the
operation went well, you even gave him the bottle and you had your little
brother on your lap. How proud you were! But after a week Guus had an
infection. Just as he was nicely on daddy’s lap, he suddenly started feeling
really bad. At that moment you were just staying with us in the Ronald McDonald
house for a couple of days. I was shocked when the nurse called me to tell Guus
was doing really bad and I quickly ran to the hospital with you. When we
arrived at his room he already was in a big bed. They had put him asleep en put
some sort of tube in his throat so he did not have to breath by himself. Uncle
Mario then came to pick you up and bring you to granny.
A couple of days after Christmas
(on December 28) daddy and I were called and told that the doctors now knew
which disease Guus was suffering of and they asked us to come by. Then the
doctor told us that Guus had Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia (ACD) and that he
would not be able to live with this disease. Because of a little mistake in his
lungs, Guus was not able to use his lungs in the right way and doctors could
not change that. Daddy and I were very sad and we called both of your granny’s so
they could come and say goodbye to Guus. All of your uncles and aunties and
your grannies came to the hospital and said goodbye to your sweet little
brother. You too gave him little kisses and caressed him over his head.
Of course, daddy and I are sad
every now and then because Guus is dead, but you don’t mind. You always say:
Grown-ups cry about Guus, but not Jur and I because we have a lot of pictures
of him.
And a while ago one of your
friends was playing at our house (as a coincidence her name is Guusje) and you
were about to make a drawing for Guus. Guusje didn’t understand, because Guus
was dead, wasn’t he? But you explained to her that you could also make a drawing
for a dead brother. I thought that was very sweet to hear. For you and for us,
Guus is still part of our family.
A big kiss for you my dear,
From your mommy